coffeepot

love.. love.. love

2011-10-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

I hope we'll always feel this way...
and in my heart I know you'll always stay...

Smiles

2011-10-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Try to find what makes you happy

and soon,

You will end up with someone

who will see you completely

without ever wanting anything

except to be a part of you.

-best moments with one of my favorite persons in the world-

Happy Birthday to me!

2011-10-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

It's finally done and I'm officially 22 years old... I thought over the past year and realized I had so many things to be thankful for. That time we spent at Bullokan and Puyo made me think things over... So, I'm officially 22. It's time to put the glasses on and act normal again. I still can't get over it! But, I'm super happy! <3 <3 <3

Special shoutouts to guys who made my day extra special:

Gwapo: words aren't enough for everything! But, thanks for all of it.
Kapwa: Dili ko ka-explain. Happy lang jud ko sa inyong friendship! I love u prens!
Nj, Ayana and Yvette: Kahit Busy, u still find time for me.
Everyone who texted and called: Thank u! thank u so much!

Fallin for you...

2011-09-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should keep this to myself,
but I'm tired of holding it inside my head.

I've been spending all my time just thinking 'bout you
I don't know what to do
I think I'm falling for you.

Been so long since I've been this happy!
Especially when he looks at me with that big grin on his face. I could fall over and over again! :-))

Inside my lens

2011-09-18T16:03:00.001-07:00

The best camera is the eye, the best lens is the iris, and the best photo is our memory. Indeed, before humans invented the best quality cameras, He had already designed the best one. And keep in mind, not only just a camera but a walking one. Take good care of your camera, it is the best in the world.

movies!

2011-09-17T07:26:00.000-07:00

Thank Macelle Gay for her 16 gig flashdisk! I've got 5 new movies plus Deacon's The Hangover 2. Yeah!

Tomorrow would be the best day of my life! :) Good night everybody!

White Flag? NEVER!

2011-09-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not giving in...

Seriously, I knew this wasn't worth it. I'd better build up. the career I want. Then after this, it's crunch time.

I kept praying that things would be back to normal (defined: in a relationship, happy, inspired).

Then, I found I had it all along.

1. I have relationships

friends who have always been there.

2. I'm happy with my job

(even if it meant sleepless nights trying to come up with a decent grade for each kid...)

3. I'm inspired by the people who still believe in me despite the mistakes I make.

I guess it's never too late to learn. We all have to go through a few bruises first.

The nurse

He's almost The One. Unfortunately, there's this little hitch that we'd only be friends so only time can tell.

The engineer

He'll stay as he is. Obviously, its anything but real...

The Freaky Ex-boyfriend

I hope he goes away now.

I'm going to class now. It's another xit story, but at least, I get paybacks.

ate rhea and I

Confusion...Chaos

2011-09-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

3 hours on the bus.

my head on his shoulder. My hand on his lap.

Our music playing.

The wind on my face.

What more could I ask for?

Unfortunately, we wouldn't be together.

u can't be too happy...

2011-09-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

Of course, I love it that he gives me special attention lately.

It's just that I (well, all of us) know fully well that he's just been acting like that ever since he got the idea that I liked him (thanks to amo,anyway!)

So, there'll be no assuming for now. I'm just happy with the way things are. It wouldn't hurt anything anyway.

It's not that I have feelings at all.

But, I'm going to make a poem for him. That would be one of my projects for this month. It's not that I'd be letting him read it, but he will... Soon! So, good luck to that... :D

Hopefully, I would remember to check on the other responsibilities i have. Thank you for keeping me sane, Juniz... <3

Pure Happiness!

2011-09-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

their faces on my facebook

So, I was supposed to be at Samal Island tonight with the rest of the family. Unfortunately, I can't go because I don't have money left. So, I'm stuck here with the kapwa. Buti nalang, the guys love me so much that they still went with me even though it was raining.

The other guys hate me for being with these bunch, but I don't care. I'm happy with all of them anyway. They can accuse me of everything they want - but that's all they can do. They can talk about me all they want but it won't touch me, because I know something that they don't. I believe, I can be happy without making them happy.

Somehow, we realize that we don't have to please everybody. What matters is what really makes us happy... and as long as we're not doing anything wrong, i think it's okay.

So far, I guess I'm doing great and I've got a lot to thank God for. These guys are no.1 on my list. :) Happy September everybody!

New playlist for this month

2011-08-31T03:33:00.000-07:00

Here are my list of songs for september (unofficially!) I hope you guys like it:

1. Officially missing you by Tamia
2. All the small things by Blink 18
3. Coffeeshop soundtrack by All time low
4. Gone by Bei Maejor
5. Hey daydreamer by Somedaydream
6. If a song could get me you by Marit Larsen
7. Kasama kang tumanda by Toni Gonzaga
8. Opposites Attract by Juris
9. Perfect Two - Auburn
10. I dont wanna wait - Soja

thoughts...

2011-08-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

You'll definitely be in my dreams tonight.

Unfortunately,

we won't be together.

So, don't ask for it.

Songs on my playlist

2011-04-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, here's the new batch of songs on my playlist (which i got from Yvette). I have Richard Clayderman on piano too but i don't really listen much to it. Most of the theme for this playlist is love and letting go. Stupid facts which I can;t get over with myself. So here goes the top 20:

1. Faithfully - the Glee cover
2. Take a bow - Lea Michele
3. Bluer than blue - Michael Johnson? (i'm not really sure)
4. Over the rainbow - Glee cover again
5. An updated version of Me - KC Concepcion (I was thinking of making this number 1)
6. Then - Brad Paisley (in love all over again! :')
7. Beauty and Madness - Fra Lippo Lippi
8. Later - Fra Lippo Lippi (still)
9. Forever Blue - Jed Madela
10. Its by Toni Gonzaga. I dont know the title...

One of those songs...

2011-04-04T05:06:00.000-07:00

Say goodbye
When I can barely say goodnight
If I can hardly take my heart from yours
How far can I go

Walk away
The thought won’t even cross my mind
I couldn’t turn my back on spring or fall
Your smile leaves a void

[chorus]
When I say always, I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I am not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you, I’ll never say goodbye

We’re dancers on a crowded floor
While other dancers leave from song to song
Our music goes on
Our music goes on
On and on

And if I never leave your arms
I really would’ve travelled everywhere
For my world is there

[repeat chorus]

How could I ever say goodbye

sad face

2010-11-25T03:37:00.000-08:00

1. i just missed another sunset...

2. I can't contact.

3. i wanna go home.

Should i or should i not?

2010-11-20T03:47:00.000-08:00

a. watch My Amnesia Girl

b. Buy that 'oh so sweet' LASAGNA at Greenwich!

c. stay at home instead?

hate making decisions like this!

Weddings

2010-11-20T03:41:00.001-08:00

She: What kind of wedding do you want?

He: The one that would make you my wife...

<3>

Setting my classroom for christmas

2010-11-17T03:51:00.000-08:00

So, I did pass the board exam... Thank you for the prayers!

Now, I realized, maybe God really wants me to be a teacher... (no matter how much i dread it...)

To start off, I'll be decorating my classroom tomorrow... *cheers!

Next year is a good year! Happy Christmas Everybody!

I'll Never Fall in love Again

2010-11-15T04:38:00.000-08:00

Things to be thankful for...

2010-11-15T04:22:00.000-08:00

It's my feel-good list again... after feeling bad. So, here it goes:

.my midmonth salary. thank God!

.my kalog roommates. isang barangay n nmn!

.the songs during the sleepless nights.

.staring at the blank screen of the phone.

.waking up and finding out that i'm still sane.

.ice cream!

.Goldilocks chocolate cake!

.Whammy Burger!

.cold nights in AIIAS

.GREEN team

.feel-good bossa novas in youtube.

.papa's voice on the phone! wheee!

Let me be HIS Special Girl

2010-03-01T03:28:00.000-08:00

Meet You There!

2010-03-01T03:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3_emvn6Z48

0110

2010-03-01T02:38:00.000-08:00

It's not everyday that I'd feel this happy. It's probably because I have you... Couldn't ask for more.

formspring.me

2010-02-07T02:25:00.001-08:00

nganu gwapa mn ka?

God made me... Of course... nuh pa bah?

Ask me anything

Feelin' High

2010-01-27T04:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight wasn't really planned. After all, I just wanted to do something stupid - and not regret it... :-) so, to make this thing more meaningful, I thought of things which make me feel high at the moment..

Here's my list:

a. My Dearie.. who else?! He keeps me smiling, even when I don't feel like smiling at all...
b. The swatch round my arm... (I love u sis!)
c. Another chocolate bar... everyday!
d. Listening To Forever by the ambassadors (It's always the first song on 3 playlists already!)
e. Road Trips (with beam, sweet and marlon) haha! somone's gotta make libre next time!
f.A midnight call from my future husband... hmm... (nganung midnight?!)
g. My new songs!

I'll add things here later... mwuaah!

Mp3-Codes

2010-01-12T03:31:00.001-08:00

Headbang Playlist at MP3-Codes.com

I'm in love....

2010-01-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

Love does come when you least expect it....

It started with a broken heart...

2010-01-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

- and a desire to do something stupid.

So, I ended up going to Punta Biao with sis and the boarders - went swimming, coke drinking and having fun with the DVD and yeah, (with Zuma). Technically, I never got to do anything stupid because I slept so early that my eyes really hurt when I washed my face after I woke up. But, hey! I had so much fun! Me and the boys climbed up the jeepney and enjoyed the slapping rush of the strong wind on our way back! I've had a happy christmas... - thanks to all the fun!

2010-01-04T02:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder why I never learned from my mistakes. Perhaps, it's best to start this year. After all, I am twenty already. It sounds stupid though since I still want to enjoy being young. But I'd never grow up being that way.

2010 Thoughts

I'm voting this year! yippee! Sounds silly since I'm not really into politics but yeah... My vote counts. Whaddelz? Well, got many plans this year but I'm stickin' to the routine check...

My 2010 Wish?

Don't have one yet. But so far, I wna pass LET, get into a good job and learn to play the violin [which really freaks me now...] Jaide says we're not ending our thing, but I guess it has to stop so I'm wishin' a happier year for him. He'll probably get along well without me.
So, I guess, it's a goodluck then. I hope I'll make it through...

formspring.me

2010-01-04T02:33:00.001-08:00

If you won a million dollars what would you do with it?

buy me a ticket to France!

Ask me anything

wlang trip!

2010-01-02T03:06:00.000-08:00

I'll spend my Christmas with you

2009-12-14T02:59:00.001-08:00

the christmas song owl city mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

You're All I want for Christmas...

2009-12-14T02:35:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas

.Another teddy bear
.another hug
.a box of chocolates
.a red rose
.a trip to the beach
.a coke float
.warm coffee trips with Him
.a silly old movie
.a camera

yan lang.... I am officially accepting christmas gifts today!

Moments of Sheer Joy

2009-12-14T02:00:00.000-08:00

I have always been happy with friends. But lately, I am thinking of being alone.

Advantages?
.I get lots of thinking time
.I can do anything I want
.I can sleep
.I can cry
.I get to be Me

Disadvantages?
.mingaw
.still mingaw...
.very mingaw....

so i Cry...

And that's why I have friends who come around at these times of my life. They do make me happy...

My New Accounts!!!

2009-12-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

Check out my new sites:

www.casefourteen.tumblr.com
www.tokaifourteen.twitter.com

I loe it when you...

2009-12-10T02:03:00.000-08:00

make me smile... <3 <3 <3

Sunset at Butuan

2009-10-27T03:14:00.000-07:00

I'm starting out a new thing... It's called Photos of the Weekend [as suggested by sir rhoen].. and here's my first slot... watch out for more!

--------------------------------------------------------

Blessed Sunset

I took this shot last Saturday, October 24, at the NEMM Balcony. We just had our last number at NEMA that afternoon and we were on our way back to the mission office when I first noticed this sight. Sir Rhoen was also holding out his EOS too, trying to capture the beautiful moment while we were still on our ride home.

Anyway, after a few shots at the balcony, I stepped back to admire God’s masterpiece. As I look at it, I thought of the many ways that God blessed me, my family and the group. God has been really good to me. I couldn’t imagine how he could love me more...

The good Life

2009-09-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

This is what life gives me after a few stressful hours... hahai... but it's a really good life ata..

Poker Face

2009-09-17T04:50:00.000-07:00

Collage requirement naq ni. I'm not supposed to post this yet... but it would be good if you wna read...

Poker Face September 3, 2009

By Tigerlily

“I hate you!”

My mind almost screamed these words out as I sat there, staring blankly at nowhere, fighting back tears. I’m already nineteen but they always treat me like I’m still nine. It’s always the same scene every night and I hate it. He, She and Me…

My blank expression seemed to infuriate her more because she kept shouting at me. I just shook my head. It’s always the same tale – “I don’t know what to do with you… You make me tired… I’m sick of this… You should be disciplined… You should be grounded…”

But mama…! – my brother cut in. He always has something in mind to defend himself, while I always stayed quiet. It’s no wonder why mama and papa preferred him than me despite his low grades and his lack of extracurricular activities. He’s always honest about what he feels.

“Ate always spoke harshly. I want to talk to her nicely but she’s always hotheaded. She always insults me… She doesn’t listen…” His voice trailed off. He continued on his seemingly unending tales about my coldness while I kept the blank expression on my face.

“Always the squealer... and what do you think of yourself?!” I said to myself.

I tried to divert my thoughts to the paperwork that I needed to finish. Yes. I should be thinking of it. Most of my papers are due this week and there are still a lot of things to be done. I started sorting the thoughts in my mind wishing that the litany would stop so I could get back to my work. But his outburst continued. It felt like he didn’t want to stop. I rolled my eyes and tossed my head back, heaving a sigh.

His loud sobs filled the quiet room. Dammit! He’s not a kid anymore, he’s 15!

“Ate…” mama’s stern voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Hmm?” I kept the blank expression.

“What can you say about this?”

I shook my head. More sobs.

I just wanted to get out of the room at that minute. I wished I could shed crocodile tears or walk out to end it. But I sat still. Poker-faced.

My thoughts hit reverse and played back scenes from grade school. Papa left me alone at a big school where I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have any friends and I cried on the bus ride back to my grandpa’s house. They’ve always treated me as if I were independent even at an early age that I’ve never learned how to deal with people who contradict me. Mama’s always busy that she seldom spent time to see me at school. All of them had big hopes for me – no, gigantic ones. True, they didn’t pressure me that much, but, being alone, I felt that need to be more than what they expected of me. I brought medals home every March and people started seeing a bright future in me. But it was lonely at the top. I hated it.

I’ve never wanted it. All I wanted was a story before bedtime, a dad who could teach me how to ride the bike, a brother who would play marbles with me and a mom who would tuck me to bed and kiss me good night. At ten years old, I realized that I wished for too much. I should be satisfied with what I have. This was how they loved me and I should understand. After all, it’s for the best. But, I didn’t. I drifted farther away from them.

I grew more negligent as I entered high school. I crashed my grades, opposed my teachers and disrespected authority – trying with all my might to be noticed without going overboard. The worst situation I put myself into was begging at the principal’s office not to let mama know about my offenses – half rebellious but half grateful that they kept it from her.

The tenses changed too. The ‘is’ in “She is a very promising young girl”, was replaced by a ‘was’. It’s funny how things had changed so suddenly… and how easily the trust had gone.

“Ate… Are you listening?” Fast-forward to present time.

“Yes… Ma.” I answered faintly.

My brother broke into another sobbing fit once more.

“Looks like I’d be stranded here for another half hour…” I murmured glancing at the wall clock. It’s already 10:00pm. I should be in bed by now.

“Sniff…. Sniff…”

“When will he stop crying?” I asked myself.

“Sniff… Sniff… Ate… sobs….”

“Nak… Come on, tell me.” Mama rubbed his back to soothe him.

“Duh! Still the crybaby even at 15!” I silently retorted.

My brother, being the youngest, was the baby of the family. He always had his own way of making mama agree with him at most times. What he lacked academically, he made up in his sincerity and honesty. I’m far more different. I could easily fake a smile whenever necessary and put on a face to hide what I feel inside. I’m the moody and tactless type, he’s the nice one. I brought home the A’s while he tried his best to be like me. I wouldn’t want mama disturbing me when I work while he disturbs mama every night for his homework. We shared the same room that’s why we fought every time even over the smallest of things. I didn’t like him simply because I had the impression that he didn’t like me too. In fact, I could care less about him. I’m better off alone anyway.

More sobs – louder this time. It’s starting to irritate me. “Why won’t he stop?!”

“Nak… It’s okay to tell me what’s wrong. I’m listening…” mama kept on soothing him.

I looked away – expressionless.

“Ate… Do you want to say something?” Mama asked.

I raised a brow then looked away again. The hell I care.

“Sniff… sniff… see mama… sniff…” he heaved big, deep sighs.

“She… sniff… she… more sobs… she doesn’t… she doesn’t… like me…” I stared at him for one brief moment, and then looked away again.

“I… I love her mama…” he buried his face in his hands, then there was silence.

“It’s okay nak…” mama calmed him down.

“Come now… here’s a hanky. Wipe your nose then you can hug your ate.” Mama urged.

He stood up, bent down and hugged me. I sat still – almost as motionless as a stone, his towering figure closing in on me. I didn’t know how to react to my 15-year-old brother’s tight embrace. It just struck me. We’re not kids anymore.

He opened the door as I shook my head to brush a stray tear escaping from my eyelids. My thoughts were clouded by his words. If it were me, I’d have kept silent. I’ve never told him anything like that. But he… even at 15, he had the courage to be honest about it.

After he had gone, mama whispered while pushing back the long hair strands that covered my expressionless face, “You know better. You’re a big girl now…”

I was speechless for a moment. “I have to finish my stuff…” I said, preparing to walk out of the room.

“Don’t take too long nak… You have to sleep early.” She reminded.

I went straight to the kitchen for my coffee. I couldn’t cry now. The tears probably dried up inside. I’m all dried up inside. I wish I did what was to be done but I just stood there, leaning at the sink – staring blankly into nothing.

The cup was finally as empty as my mind; but as much as I wanted to, I knew, I couldn’t sleep yet. I hate it when I’m guilty. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t cry. I decided to go to the room and rest, but he might still be awake… It doesn’t matter. I went in.

His face seemed to glow as I put out the light and switched the night lamp on. He was sleeping so serenely. I sat by his bedside and studied his face for a few fleeting moments. My baby brother’s finally grown older. I want to kiss him, hug him tightly as he hugged me and tell him I love him too. But I just decided to go to bed. I know that it’s better done than just said. After all, I know better. I’m already nineteen…

Dumbstruck

2009-09-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

I sit silent as I try to imagine how to change things. Should I walk out? Leave him there alone? I can't tell how much pain I've been trying to hide. As if I could hide it.

You still love me...dba? I froze.

He's damn right. The longing to stay was far greater than wanting to run. He's damn right. I couldn't escape reality forever. He stared straight to my eyes. I turned to look away, half-wishing that I'd melt.

Speechless.

Why did he always have to be right?

Why can't I answer him back?

I just stood there. Dumbstruck.

the same complaint

2009-05-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

I realize, things will not be easy from now on. Aside from graduation, i still have to think of the board exam, the review in davao, my future job, friends.. and everything else. i miss the people who make me smile. I miss the fun and adventure of having them around. i guess i just feel sad since i'm left alone. I want to think that I'm still okay on my own, but when it gets quiet, the tears show. like hell.

i wish this would stop. i need to take a break. badly.

A Photoshop Realization

2009-03-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

After

Before

mao ni resulta sa ala gatulog g ala gkaon.

In case you were wondering what that meant, both pics are the same, except for a few touches on the first. The 2nd one is real (with the eyebags and everything). The first is a copy of the edited one. Haha! Cute daw ko pg chubby ang face! whaaa!!!! Well, I like the first one. I hope I could gain that face soon. I'm practically starving myself to death that's why I earned that (2nd) face. Anyway, that was a cute experience. Hihi! I still get a laugh at it!

Grabe! I ought to fix things right now. Huhu! Start with sleeping early and NO PHOTOSHOP! but,how can I? I've just downloaded new background photos! hahai!

Welcome to U.S.A

2009-02-15T23:49:00.000-08:00

California? No! It's still a part of USA which stands for "unahan sa acmunan!" hahaha!
Well, that's our little joke of the little heaven. It's really a wonderful place [very photogenic!] Trees are everywhere and buildings are really majestic.

Worthless

2009-01-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

Worthless

He once told me that I am beautiful. He gave me roses – my favorite – and told me I was even more beautiful than those pretty things. He never really said that he loved me, at first. Yet, he proved it in the words he said, in his manners, and his treatment towards me as a woman. I believed that he respected me and cared for me more than anything else in the world. He knew I felt the same way too and we shared a love that stood against all odds.

Then he left. I have known it before. He never kept anything from me. He promised to come back when he’d be ready to claim me. I gave in – reluctantly - and sent him away, hoping that his promise to be back would come soon.

Days became lonelier after he had gone. He was the focus of my life and now, I felt like a nomad in the point of indirection. He had gone and I just couldn’t accept it. Yet, despite my miseries, he continued to care. My phone beeped almost everyday with messages from him, reminding me how much he missed me. One time, he even sang to me, crooning about how I would always be beautiful in his eyes. I held on to that thought, knowing that I was accepted, cared and loved for who I am.

Soon, the calls and the messages became less and less frequent, making me grow anxious every day. I tossed in bed at night, wondering what had become of him or if he had already forgotten about me. Then I cried myself to sleep, thinking how much I had missed him. I kept myself busy every day just so I wouldn’t have to keep him in my thoughts, but he was always there. I scraped most of my allowance just so I could call him and talk to him at night when everybody else was asleep. Yet, he didn’t seem so excited about talking to me. He mostly talks about his friends and the silliness they put themselves into, and I try to laugh at every funny thing he blabs about. I’m happy that he is happy and I knew I couldn’t ask for more, but, was that all?

Sometimes, he’d ask me how I was doing, and I’d tell him that I’m fine. Just that. I didn’t want him to know about my misery, my pain of missing him, my agony of longing for him. I didn’t want him to know how my heart breaks when a day passes that I don’t hear anything from him. I didn’t want him to see how my eyes bleed with tears that he won’t be able to wipe away. I try to keep up with my innocent laughter. After all, that’s what he loved about me. I never seemed to worry about anything.

His calls dwindled fewer and fewer as more weeks passed by. He had no time to call during Christmas or New Year’s Eve. His phone is mostly out of coverage and even if it does ring, he seldom takes time to answer it. He was always busy and it made me miss him more. What’s worse is, the more I missed him the more demanding I got. He did try to keep up with my demands. That included answering the phone late at night or early dawn, forcing his attention on me despite his sleepy state or giving in to my whims when I flare up or get angry. He tried to be angelic while I was playing devil to him all the time.

Then, one night, he had enough.

It was one of those tantrum nights when I start calling him at midnight and demanding his attention. I do that often. I start crying and accusing him of giving up on me. I would enumerate his past mistakes just to show him how much he owes me. Then I demand a break-up and he would start begging for another chance.

This time, however, there was no room for second chances. Not that I didn’t give it but because he never begged for it again. He gave me up, just like that.

I was struck dumb for a few moments. He went on to tell me how insensitive I was, that I never tried to understand his situation, and that I never cared for his feelings. He told me I was just like those girls who took him for granted in the past – worthless.

I wished I could say more, but my eyes were beginning to show my pain. I was just as worthless as them and it hurt me more for what it meant rather than for how he had said it. I tried to be calm, so I could think. And, when I got my senses back, I thanked him for everything and hanged up.

It was 4 hours before my first period class and I didn’t want to doze off in front of my professor. So I tried to go to sleep, crying.

-TigerLily

(I'm supposed to pass this to the Collage '09. I just can't resist the urge to post this here first!)

New Year - new life (hopefully)

2009-01-06T02:42:00.000-08:00

It's been so long since I last looked at this page. The new year has obviously got a lot to do with this. Well, I was sort of cooped up last Christmas. There was no one to share the beach walks with me. Being alone entails its miseries too. Despite having all the freedom to act foolish, there was just no one to mess up with.

People have been quite nasty to me last year. I had lots of sorry memories too. There were some regrets (that included letting go) and some tearjerking moments while facing that damn phone which doesn't ring anymore. I missed being with some friends, quite happy that no one's messing with me and very alone.

Well, this year, I hope things would start to look better. I have lots of promises - all of them broken. I look forward to fixing them. I'm up to establishing life plans and goals after graduation this year and hopefully ( really hopefully) wishing I'd see him again. it's been a long time...

Things got out of hand after he had gone. I can't control anything - especially the agony of missing him. I still wish the teary nights would end. I have vertigo. I'm tired.

But then, if things do get better, I just wish it would be. No matter how hard I try, I'd never get over it. I'd need the will to stop. It would be difficult. But, I'll try to make things normal again.

My wish?

i wish for a new life. Something worth living for. I just need a reason to live, and love freely. I don't know if I could make it, but I'll start to give back.

Then will I know that I could be truly happy.

Still Tomorrow

2008-12-15T03:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking more like losing grip now. I've been through too much at these times and basically, I do want to relax. I wanted to get a grip on things that' been keeping me away from the world. I wanted to spend the last drop of money on omething that would make me happy. But this just has to stop.

I'm going to Davao next week. I need to get a grip on things and I want things to turn out well. I miss my life.

One Special Gift

2008-12-03T02:08:00.000-08:00

True Love can be in actions instead of words

By Ma. Glaiza Lee
(Manila Bulletin, November 28, 2008)

“How long have we been friends?”

That question broke the silence. He had been sitting in the sofa for the past hour or so. I couldn’t see him, but I felt his presence. I don’t know why or how, but I just knew when he was around.

He had not made any sound because he knew that it was forbidden to make any noise when I’m reading a book, especially now that I’m just learning how to read in Braille.

I am partially blind. My blindness wasn’t congenital. It was cause by an accident almost two years ago. My family and I were on our way to Baguio when a delivery truck hit our vehicle. The truck driver was drunk and he lost control of the steering wheel.

Splinters from the window shield pierced my eyes and damaged the cornea. We consulted several doctors, and they recommended a cornea transplant. Just a few days ago, we received some good news. My doctor found a donor whose eyes perfectly matched mine, and the operation was scheduled a week from now.

I turned my head to where Daniel was sitting. “What’s wrong with you? Lately, you’re becoming very mushy,” I joked.

I’d noticed it, but didn’t pay much attention. I was busy with school and the coming holidays. But, Daniel wasn’t himself these past few days. His voice was not its usual cheerful tone. He sounded exhausted.

These past weeks, he failed to fetch me after my classes ended, which was really unusual. Ever since we became friends, he hadn’t missed a day. We were friends ever since “we were conceived” as our parents put it.

I didn’t see it, but I knew he smiled at my joke. He sat beside me, and I felt him look me in the eyes as if I would be able to see his face.

“Elisha, if there will be a time when I won’t be there for you… it isn’t my intention,” he whispered. With a quizzical look, I ask him why he was telling me these things, but he didn’t answer and just hugged me tight.

***

A few days before Christmas, I was lying on the hospital bed, dressed in a hospital gown and getting psyched up for the operation. I had waited for this time, but I was so scared. My family and I were hoping the operation would go smoothly.
“I can’t wait to see your face again,” I told Daniel who was sitting by my bedside, holding my hand. Sometimes, he would squeeze it as if telling me that everything would be all right. He took my right hand, and brushed his lips on it.

“I can’t wait for you to see the world as I see it,” he whispered in my ears and dropped a kiss on my forehead before I was whisked to the operating room.

It had been a week since the operation. I was able to see again, all the colors, lights, shapes, and everything around me. It was like leaving the darkness which has enveloped me the past two years, and finally dwelling in the light again.

It was Christmas. Strangely, Daniel wasn’t around when I first opened my eyes after the operation. I asked my parents, even called his house, asking if they knew where he was. But they couldn’t give me a straight answer.

I couldn’t wait to see Daniel. Maybe, he was just preparing a surprise for me. It was typical of him to do that, I thought. And I couldn’t wait to see what it was.

When the doorbell rang, I was ecstatic. I was pretty sure it would be Daniel and his family. I kissed Daniel’s parents as they entered. I looked behind them to see Daniel, but he wasn’t with them.

I peeped outside the gate, maybe he was just around somewhere. But no, he was nowhere. I looked at his parents who were standing beside my parents at the patio. Why did it seem there was sadness in their eyes?

Before I could open my mouth to ask them where Daniel was, his mother handed me a gift wrapped in silver paper with a red ribbon. When I opened it, it revealed the cashmere dress I’d always wanted. Only Daniel knew about it.

A card fell when I pulled the dress from the box. My name was scribbled on the envelope. I knew that handwriting. It was Daniel’s.

“Dear Elisha,” the letter began. “If you are reading this, then I will be very happy because it means the operation was successful. I just wish I was there to witness it, and share that special moment with you. But I won’t be there. Not because I don’t want to, but because fate won’t permit it.

“Remember that summer we spent in Baguio? You looked very lovely in that pink dress and yet you were crying because you couldn’t go out and play in the rain. It pained me to see you crying so I did everything to stop you from crying and wipe the tears away. I promised from that day I would do everything to make you happy. I would protect you and shield you. No one and nothing would hurt you, if I could help it.

“We’ve known each other since we were born. And you’re my best friend. We’ve shared everything and anything. My days are not complete without seeing you. I’m always anticipating those cute smiles and I love hearing those hearty laughs. They brighten up my days. I always wanted to be the one to put those smiles on your face and be the reason why you laugh.

“Yes, Elisha, I’ve been in love with you since that summer…” Tears started to fall. I didn’t know. I have no idea. How could I not notice it?

Don’t blame yourself. I did everything to keep it a secret. Don’t get mad. I know we promised that we shouldn’t keep any secrets from each other. I’m afraid of rejection and that you might not feel the same way and soon, I would lose even our friendship. I couldn’t take that so I kept it.

“This was hard for me, not to be there to share the milestones of your life, hold you when you’re afraid and pick you up when you stumble. But my time is up. I can’t stay much longer, even if I want to.

“Three years ago, I was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was already on its final stage. The doctors couldn’t do anything. They gave me just a year to live. I lasted for another year because of you. The thought that I would leave you alone strengthened my will to survive, if not prolong my days.

But he was already calling me. He had given me much more than I hoped for. It’s time I go back to him, and stay with Him. This is not goodbye. This is just a temporary separation. We’ll see each other again… in another time and place. Take care of my eyes. I’m sure they look lovely on you… Love, Daniel.”

Why I quit extra-curricular activities

2008-11-24T22:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I think it would be better if I give myself time to rest. I've done much last semester and probably, it's better to give myself a time for change. I've neglected all responsibilities that they gave me this semester... and they're all asking me why?!

I'm just tired.

Does that answer the question?! I don't want any heated arguments with my parents anymore about my coming home late or about me neglecting my studies. (They don't really do that often) I want to spend TV time in my parents' crib, I want to read, text or probably go somewhere else without never having to worry about meetings, major activities or people looking for me. I'm still in school and I really want to make good use of my learning time here. I'm about to graduate next year (2010), and perhaps, I would want to learn something here that makes sense, instead of just writing letters and organizing excursions.

I also want to achieve something this semester. I'd like to (at least) finish off the rubix cube, beautify my blogs, eat ice cream and improve my GPA. My grades are just fine I just wanted improvement. That's all. I don't like to see another 3.54 again. I'm tired of it and I don't want to fail.

Well, I also want a stress-free life. Probably, I'm just craving for happiness that's why I wanted this. I hope they understand.

snooopin!

2008-11-19T23:24:00.000-08:00

I should be at the high school building this time but here I am, punching the keys of this damn keyboard. I am bored. I admit it. What (the hell?) am I going to do with just 3 hours left of my precious time to think about myself? This evening, I would be pre-occupied of the SA (don't have a choice) and well, maybe have much time for my FS. I still don't have a topic for my thesis and it's due on sunday!!! Well, bloggers, its my mom's birthday on sunday and I don't even have time to attend to the party. I guess I'm just too tired to think things over and probably breathe fresh air.

Another thing, I'm terribly sick. I've been coughing for (like) 2 weeks now and I haven't even recovered yet. I wish I'd just crawl up to my bedand lie there thinking about...nothing. I'm too tired to work on my stuff. I wish I had more time.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

2008-11-16T01:17:00.000-08:00

It just went away. I felt all alone as I'm trying to think of reasons why i couldn't reach him. Was his phone lost? stolen? Was his battery low? Why was he out of reach?! I started calling him since 10pm last night but I just couldn't reach him. I'm beginning to freak out. What if I'd never reach him again? DAMN! Why can't he see how much I need him right now? I wished i should just have dosed much on pills to make him worry for me. I wasn't turning cold! I was just letting him enjoy his friends' company. How I wish he'd care enough to leave me a comment on this.

I wish this isn't giving up. I've waited long enough to make this work. I'm not throwing it away just because they don't like him. Damn! Damn! Damn! I hope he realizes how much this means to me. I can't just give this up! Why can't he see that I need him more than anything else? Why would he try to end this?! He has to answer my call tonight if he doesn't want me dead. I'm so tired of this break-up stuff. I will grow up. He'll see!

The Last Time

2008-11-08T23:30:00.000-08:00

This is the last time
that i'm ever giving in.

Sunday, Nov.9:

I sit here tapping my fingers trying to think of things I want to share. Probably, I just don't know what to think about. i want to cry. I've lost my only reason to smile.

I'll probably move on. i hope i can.

Trips!

2008-10-28T00:52:00.001-07:00

Happy aqng sembreak! yeah!

hehehe!

Well, we went to pindasan with the clan..had a barbecue cookout, went snorkeling..(gnda ng fishes...!), tpos boating round the island... I also went to the teacher's day out at MergRande resort.. kakainis lng cuz an lau ng ploadn.. huhuhu! pro, the resort's nice.. as in really nice..specially pg gabi... daming cottages.. hehe! and mga small hauses.. (can i stay there for a week?!) sarap pa ng food! Aie, nq! At list, i got to unwind and do some stuff which I hadn't done for like a year.. Obviously, this is really fun for me... although, kmi-kmi lng with the clan.. Hay, unfortunately, ncra cp q. huhuhu! can i get a new one?! hay.. sna, soon..

Anyway, I'm staying at digos for this week, at kht, di pa q nkapag-enrol..i think, i'm gonna enjoy nxt sem..(with new pipz to work with., I hope my last ish gets published.. )

Well, think that's done for now. I'm goin to the beach tmorow.. see yah guyz! til' nxt week! I'm posting pix nxt tym pg nfinish na ug edit..

October 14, 2008: My 19th Birthday

2008-10-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful birthday. I never got to sleep, but then, I was just glad that I had lots of things to be thankful for. We’ll go through everyone I want to thank later.

Anyway, my birthday exactly started at 12 am, when my really thoughtful mahal called me up to sing for me. Admittingly, I was still sleepy by then. I slept at around 11 because I still had to put up with the spaghetti and the flower bread (I’ll show the pictures, so you won’t be quizzical about it).

So, I tried to go to sleep. Apparently, it was unsuccessful. I really wanted to cry. My roommates were already snoring but I stayed wide awake. Eventually, my batchmates came along for a sip of hot milo and some slightly freezing spaghetti. My mentors, Ma’am Karel and Sir Tata came too (I bet Sir Tata slept for like 5 minutes while waiting for the food to be served). Anyway, they went there and got scolded by my killjoy neighbor. The incident proved to be insignificant anyway. I don’t exactly know for Orval because he was the one who talked to the curly dunno-what-to-call-her. After a few rounds of picture-perfect moments, they agreed to go back to sleep which proved a little helpful for me. They left at 2am.

Then, while I thought everything was to be perfect, another group made of slightly off-key singers came along. They were really a bit off-key. At least I’m being honest. Hehe! My BSBA bros and sissies came along with Jela… What’s funny with these people is that I was really thinking that the came here for the food. Well, it was really the food that they consumed. Imagine wasted raisins on the floor plus catsup-splotched jackets. They looked really funny. Hahaha! They never left til around 6 which gave me enough time to prepare for school. For the first few moments, I was just happy that I wasn’t late for class. It was an achievement.

Anyway, the batchmates with Ma’am Karel went out to Banok’s for lunch. I have the pictures in my friendster profile. We were really very full and I was like going to vomit but I had to consume the last quart of Pepsi plus a half-eaten plate of Bihon Guisado. My stomach was really aching and we still had guts to remind Ma’am Karel of her promised ice cream. Eight of us had to finish off a gallon and all of us were really very full. I swear I really wanted to be in a CR that time. I was late for my afternoon class because I was very sleepy when we got back to the school. Anyway, I went back to Digos at around 6. This time, I was with my housemates. I ate chicken AGAIN…plus a liter of pepsi just for me. I was very, very full that I slept right ahead when I got back in my room. Lej wanted to call me but I was sound asleep. I’m sorry… Hehe! Anyway, it was the thought that counted.

Now, for the list, here it is!

I want to thank:

Mama, papa and te joann – for the food, the good cooking and the hospitability

Chau – for doing nothing but irritate me.

Jam Arni Khyle – for my 20 kisses.

Isah, Evange, Manoi, Orval, Erika, Shyne, Gabby and Edward – for keeping me company.

Ma’am Karel – for the ice cream… Happy Birthday too!

Te sweet, Darlene, jan2, te rose, daz, dawn, master, jela and Baby Ralph – for my flowers.

That cute guy who gave us the menu – for being so patient with my kakulitan.

Banok’s Digos – for the food entertainment

Jaacen and Kya Vivan – for singing to me.

SA – for my expected card…You’re all so sweet.

Sis Beam – for my monkey… It’s better than chocolates!

Nai Bem – for my real birthday kiss

Ian Kevin – for EJ’s pic. Hehe! And for the imagined birthday kisses nrin.

Ma’am Nery and Ma’am Credo – for my birthday money. You’re very sweet!

Krissete and Joy – for remembering.

Lej – for the unanswered call. It’s the thought that counts.

Sheena – for putting up with my noise and grown-up immaturity.

Geoff – for the text message

Jam’s Sis [karla] – for the friendster comment.

Ayana Jean – who cared to greet me although a day late.

aYet – for that lick. I hate it!

God – for yesterday, today, tomorrow and all the rest of my days.

Everyone – who loved me, cared for me, understood me and adored me. I exist because of you. Thanks a lot.

My Wish:

I wish happiness would be forever and I wouldn’t cry anymore. I wish for inner peace and deeper commitment. I wish for sweet dreams and good memories. I wish for love and understanding. I wish to see Jam for even just one day. I wish for maturity and childlike innocence. I wish for rainbows and pillows and teddy bears and lots of chocolates. I wish for happiness.

When Angels Choose To Walk

2008-10-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

When Angels Choose to Walk

-Sue Me

(taken from Collage 2nd ish 2007-2008: Cheating)

I used to throw old coins into the sea to make a wish come true. I would stand on the edge of an abandoned dock, toss my coin into the lapping waves, and whisper my wish to the wind. I knew my little hope of having an angel of my own would soon come true.

I had always dreamt of having a real angel who would come to my rescue, cover me with his silvery-white feathered wings and release me when I get tangled in webs of confusion, fear or tragedy. Yes, I prayed to the sea to send me my angel and it finally gave me my share of real fairy tales and miracles.

Just as I had imagined, I saw my angel on the shore walking to my direction just after I threw a fifty-cent coin into the dark water and whispered my aspiration to the breeze. The sun was setting down and the fiery colors in the skies created a silhouette of the angel. He walked slowly to me as if he owned Time. His wings were folded closely behind him; his face, concealed with the long locks of his hair, was slightly turned to the right. He just looked so much an angel that I forgot he was supposed to be looking at me.

The moment his bare feet left the warm sand and shared my wooden floor, I felt like he brought heaven to my god-forsaken place. My feet managed to walk a few steps to meet him.

“Did the sea send you?” I whispered, trying to conceal my amazement.

“Yes, it did.” He sighed and turned to look away to his right again.

I smiled in ecstasy.

“Then miracles do happen,” I whispered to the sea, the breeze and the skies. Without turning his gaze back to me, he said, “but not forever.”

I wanted to ask him what he meant because I did not fully understand what he had just said. But, I did not. I diverted my thoughts to his wings instead. For some fleeting moments, I savored the precious moments of being with an angel. I ran my hand over the soft down of his wings an wondered how a million of delicate feathers could carry someone to the person he is destined to be with.

I noticed the stray strands of his hair down his face again. I reached gently to tuck them behind his ear. Suddenly, he caught my hand, looked at me straight in the eye and said in an angry but hushed tone, “I know you didn’t understand when I told you miracles are not forever. Honestly, no miracles happen! Fairy tales are just an imagination!

He slowly released my hand.

“I am not staying here with you forever.” He confessed.

“You’re not? Why? I asked, stricken with confusion. I could never understand why he should go away. I fairy tales and miracles were not real; his confession sounded that way, too.

I walked to the edge of the dock and wrapped my arms across my body. The wind felt like a bucket of cold water against me and seemed to tell something I really ought to know. I looked back at the angel and he walked toward me. Then, he broke off his wings and thrust them into my unexpecting arms. Without his silver wings, he looked more like a stranger.

“I quit being your angel.” He sounded as if he knew I could find all the answers to my questions in that statement.

Without saying goodbye, he walked away to where his gaze had always been fixed from the start: On Stella – another girl on the edge of the dock, holding a brand new pair of wings in her outstretched hands.

I held the wings in my arms and wished that if miracles and fairy tales never come true, losing my angel never did, too.

Sue Me is one of those writers who have stories that reveal a part of me. I had taken a special interest in this story, When Angels Choose to walk, because it’s something I can always relate to. Every scene in the story had a similarity in one event of my life when I met the angel.

I also loved throwing coins to the sea to make my wishes come true. The sea and the sunset reminded me of wonderful things that I just took for granted. One day, the sea did grant my wish. He gave me my angel. He was too perfect to be real – even too perfect for words. For some fleeting moments, I cherished being able to have him… To touch him… To wonder if he’s really real. For a few moments, I thought I love him. But for some unknown reason, he left; leaving me to deal with a rejected love and a broken heart. He was mine, but not really.

A devil came along and turned my life around. I am happy now. But, I still think of my angel and wonder how he’s doing without me. He left me confused and hurting. I wonder if I hurt him too when I took him for granted. Maybe, he really wasn’t meant for me. I won’t wish for anything else anymore.

I hope he’ll also be happy.

The Call

2008-10-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

Sleep was almost dripping from my eyelids as I struggle for one last look outside the window. It's one in the morning and I'm so tired. I wanted to sleep, honestly. But, how ca I when all the forces tell me no?

I breathed deep and pulled the pillow over my head. How I wanted to sleep! I got up again, tossed the pillow to one side and moved the curtain. Everything was peaceful, perhaps wanting rest from the cares that the day brought. All was still save for the wind whistling and the water dripping from the bathroom.

Then I heard voices.

At first I thought, they weren't real. After all, its unusual for anyone to be walking around at dawn. I looked out. Everything was dark. Light was waving from a distance. Just then., my phone beeped. They were waiting outside. I almost fell of the upper deck of the bed, eager to get out. I quickly changed into a pair of pants and a shirt.

I walked out, feeling a lot more comfortable. I'm a lot better now. Sleep had gone.

Starting out

2008-10-07T00:18:00.000-07:00

For all who followed teardrops, here's another blog from me. I'm posting pictures here next time. Anyway, this would probably be monthly since I have so many things to do or the moment. This hiatus (pause) really meas something for me. Who doesn't want a break anyway?

For a few acknowledgments, I want to thank:
-te' grace: for teaching me how to make another one.
-sunbeam: for reading my posts.
-rex: for bugging me.
-neo: for the "secondhand laptop" (if u know what i mean)
-all of you: for reading this.

Bear with me. Blogging isn't easy but I have to put up with it. I hope this gets better compared to my other blog. I'll have networking on this, by the way. So, in case people will have to check me up, follow this blog.

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"BIRTHDAY NEWS"

My birthday's next tuesday. email me: kez091207@yahoo.com; kez091207@mail.com or check my friendster.
HAppy birthday to:
*Ate poy: 10
*Ma'am Karel: 9
*Ate jena: 8
*khylekez: 12
*te kris: 13
*geoff: 24

I miss you guys!
Take care!